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Old 10-31-2013, 12:09 PM   #1
N64 Lord
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Question Planned Bouapha story

Bouapha the Conscientious

By N64lord

Bouapha, hero

R. N. Drear, tall person

The Thing, poker player

Umber Guardian, a soldier

Asdaf Kingking, A cowboy

Yerf, agent

Scene First


Yerf’s office, SPUDUF building

(Bulletin Boards are overcrowded with wanted posters on two of the walls, and a big sign saying SPUDUF hero employment agency dominates the third. Yerf, who wears the clothes of a businessman but has an inanely happy grin that he cannot put away, sits behind a desk in the center of this small room, there is a single chair opposite)

YERF

(rambling to himself while he looks at the papers on his desk)

Kidnappings, bank heists, watering the stock market… its so good that my boys got their act together.

(Knocks on his door, Yerf quickly hides the papers inside his desk)

Come in, Let’s get this over with quickly.

(Bouapha enters, he wears a shirt that has the word evil crossed out like in a no walking sign, and blue jeans)

Take the seat and we’ll get down to business.

BOUAPHA

Many thanks, I know you’re a busy man.

YERF

More than you can imagine. You’ve arranged an appointment for me to get you a job. Lets see which form it is..

BOUAPHA

It’s the green one.

YERF

Ahhh….you’re a hero out of work and you want me to find some issue to pay your bills with, yeS?

BOUAPHA

That’s what I’m here for.

YERF

Have you ever heard of Doctor L?

BOUAPHA

You mean the notorious scientist who tried to take over the world!?!

YERF

Yes, that doctor L.

BOUAPHA

You have a tip on where he is?

YERF

He’s in jail, My client Red Sneakers bagged him last week.

BOUAPHA

Darn.

YERF

Don’t be too upset, because there still might be a job for you.

BOUAPHA

What is it?

YERF

The Thing, one of Doctor L’s poker buddies, recently took out a safety deposit to rent this run down castle near a town called Valeria. And now he’s challenging all of the citizens to poker one by one to get their money. Nearly nine people have gone bankrupt in just two weeks. They just can’t seem to beat him. He’s so confident in his skills that he’s volunteered to turn himself in if anyone can beat him. And they can’t decline him a game since he’s threatened to use his minions to sack the town if no-one shows. It’s your job to bring the Thing and his men to justice. I’ll be honest with you, I already sent two people.

BOUAPHA

What happened?

YERF

Ironfist Dahlia tried to use force, so the Thing and his men beat him up and threw him in a well. And Dirty Mollusk-

BOUAPHA

The world’s greasiest card shark? You employed a villain?

YERF

Fight Fire with Fire I always say.

BOUAPHA

Right…

YERF

Well the Thing caught him at it, and had his men throw him into one of thingies that juices vegetables, and uh,... he didn’t report back.

BOUAPHA

How am I supposed to do anything about it?

YERF

Well, when we caught Dr. L, he said, “Just when I had figured out how the Thing always beat me too. Those-”

BOUAPHA

Those what?

YERF

Then he went unconscious. But it sounds to me like it was some kind of magical item. You’ve used enough of my time, go to the big, conspicuous castle outside of Valeria and capture the Thing.

BOUAPHA

And Failing that?

YERF

Are you some kind of wimp or something?

BOUAPHA

No, Itss just that imm…i..ii’m out of practice, that’s all.

YERF

Fine, you can sneak into his castle while he’s playing poker in the town and rough up his minions to find out where he gets his card playing powers from. Then you can see if he lives up to his promise to turn himself in.

BOUAPHA

But-

YERF

I’m just a con…tractor, a conTRACTtor; if you’re a hero, then you should know your business before you set up an appointment with someone in my position.

BOUAPHA

Well, goodbye then.

YERF

(With a dismissive wave)

Get.

(BOUAPHA exits unceremoniously)

I wish Queenie could send the money in something less heavy. Pshaw, textbooks.
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Old 10-31-2013, 12:19 PM   #2
N64 Lord
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Default Re: Planned Bouapha story

I have a love hate relationship with magic, so, when asked to enter a fairy tale writing contest, I decided to try something new (fan fiction?). I had a problem though, I wasn't using the source material at all, and I was shoehorning a plot that totally defeated the original purpose.Because not only can "Science" be a substitute for magic, but also bureaucracy. Total lack of concern for suspense of belief.

The proper thing to do was to abandon the file. But then I didn't have anything ready for BHE, so I dug it out. Sometime in November, I'm going to argue with my SD card until it begs for mercy(and gives me my SPISPOPD montage).

All the minor charterers are my ex-cronies, but I try to keep that behind me.
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Last edited by N64 Lord; 10-31-2013 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 12-13-2013, 01:16 AM   #3
REACTOR
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Default Re: Planned Bouapha story

Your Hamumu fan-fiction is quite good. The only problem IMO is that it gets quite choppy in the middle. Reminds one-self of people who think they can write a book.
I'm curious about the second part.
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Old 04-14-2014, 01:13 AM   #4
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Default Re: Planned Bouapha story

While it turns out to have not that much spark in the middle. We can only really judge a story if we have more literature. I really want to know how the second part concludes the first.

My notes would be to, keep writing fluid, and have people able to tell who is saying what in dialogues which do not have "he said" or any of that. It's actually really important to have distinct dialogue.
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Old 05-30-2014, 09:28 PM   #5
REACTOR
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Default Re: Planned Bouapha story

I have a suggestion, maybe you can go out of conventional means.

This whole "Dr Lunatic" plot line is really getting over used. I would think of the Hamumu Universe as a modern day version which is superior to Megazuex.

It doesn't always have to go along the lines of brains, Dr Lunatic, and his poker buddies...

How about something controversial, like what I did with SS9, but unfortunately, I couldn't save it, because it was way overboard with controversy.

But something along those lines. Maybe you can use symbolism, and profound statements to add to your story...
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Old 06-04-2014, 03:50 AM   #6
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Default Re: Planned Bouapha story

It's been a while, are you reading these opinions...
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Old 06-04-2014, 09:45 AM   #7
N64 Lord
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Default Re: Planned Bouapha story

Sorry for not responding to people. I'm in the middle of a transition period. moving apps folders off of win7 to my win8. My global forum history is also pretty shallow, as I spend much more time in "lobby" chat.

@Reactor

I stuck to the base dr. lunatic story because I was challenged to make a fairy tale, and I feel that wild interpretations (see red riding hood's film adaption) makes it unworthy of really being called a homage.

@ Chessmanic

I really should avoid excess pronoun usage and relfective phrases. I tend to think in terms of being read aloud, where tone makes it clearer, but this script does make it difficult to tell who is speaking at times.
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