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Old 07-22-2006, 11:37 PM   #1
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Default Im writing a book......

I would like you top review this and tell me what you think.

[censored!]

In case you havent figured out by the date, his bite mark was made by a werewolf! (Creepy music) Get your silver bullets! I havent had time to spellcheck it, so there might be a few errors.

Please, dont hold back on me because you think i might get angry. If you tell me what parts you liked, and which you didnt like, and why, then i will be able to improve my writing, by knowing what you like and dont like.
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Old 07-23-2006, 03:02 AM   #2
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Wow. I love your style of writing! I'm anxious to find-out what happens next.
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Old 07-23-2006, 04:08 AM   #3
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Interesting story and I assume you will find the spelling errors when you run a spell check, but there are some basic structural problems where you are doing dialogue. Each person's dialogue needs its own paragraph, like this:

I gasped in amazement as i entered the house.
"Do you like it, baby?" Jerry asked.
"I love it!" I exclaimed. We had just gotten married, and where looking for a nice house to raise a child in. Jerry came from a rich family, and I was fairly poor. The idea of having more than one bathroom was astounding to me, let alone two floors. This house was beautiful. It had four spacious bedrooms, two on the top floor, and two on the bottom. It had four bathrooms, two living rooms, and a HUGE kitchen.
I heard footsteps behind us. I turned to see the real estate agent, smiling at us. "So, Mr. and Mrs. Bronze, how do you like the house?" she said, opening a folder she had under her arm.
"Its very nice" I replied.
She looked up from her folder and smiled. "It was built in the 1940's, and housed quite a few celebrities. Another couple is looking at this same house, and is seriously considering buying it. If you want it, I would act fast."
Jerry grinned at me. "We'll buy it!"
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Old 07-23-2006, 10:47 AM   #4
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YOU'RE A GIRL!?
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Old 07-23-2006, 11:04 AM   #5
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I think I can remember Regeneratorizer posting a picture of himself a while back and he was a guy, but I can't remember clearly...

Anyway, it is a pretty good piece of writing. Just from reading what I can see, I am not instantly riveted. It is not a particularly exciting style of writing or anything, but it is well-written (other than the spelling mistakes) to the point that it would convey a story pretty well. If the plot and characters are good, then I can see this being a pretty good book. I would like to see some more of this.
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Old 07-23-2006, 11:15 AM   #6
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Thanks Hammered and Atkins. I did a spellcheck(Thank god for spellcheck.net) and applied the paragraph thing.

Sorry, atkins, but the next chapter is a bit.... gory. I'll have to clear it with hammered before posting it, but it might be too gory to post.(I doubt it, but... you never know.)

Ok, heres where my story is going to go:

[censored!]
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Old 07-23-2006, 11:17 AM   #7
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You two posted when i was writing. Im a guy, but this story would only work from the girls point of veiw. So, thats what i did.
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Old 07-23-2006, 12:06 PM   #8
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Oh cool! I love the writing style!
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Old 07-23-2006, 10:46 PM   #9
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First chapter, finished!

[censored!]

So, how is it? Like last time, criticize away!

Also, like before, its not spellchecked. Ill do that tommorrow.
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Old 07-24-2006, 02:18 AM   #10
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Wow again. It's very clever how the reader doesn't realise the person is Mrs Bronze until near the end. Again, I'm impressed by your writing style.

I noticed that you missed out the ' in I'm, though, and when you mean 'you are', use 'you're' instead of 'your'.
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Old 07-24-2006, 10:44 AM   #11
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Well it's certainly riddled with grammar errors but that can be sorted out later. This chapter is far more exciting than the prologue and the action is more vivid so it seems like a story instead of just a historical record. It's really good! Just keep practicing your writing and I think you will do very well.

One thing that I think would help is if you told a bit more about what the character is thinking and feeling, instead of just describing her actions from her point of view.
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Old 07-24-2006, 11:08 AM   #12
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It also seems really short for a chapter, but if you add more material as NGSB suggested, perhaps it could be long enough for a short chapter. The names for the two dogs seem oddly familiar, almost as if they were the names of your own dogs. :?
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Old 07-24-2006, 11:20 AM   #13
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Hehe, im glad you caught that. Yes, they are the names of my own dogs, and yes, if a stranger came into my house, Gomer would knock him/her down, and Goober would be in a corner.

Thanks for the sugestion, NGSB, ill try to make it a bit longer, and add a bit more feeling.

The next chapter will be a bit less actiony. Since Amys parents are coming home, and i need amy to stay with the Vices, I will have two choices. Either, have the doctor tell the parents that its better if she stays with the people she knows, which is Mr. and Mrs. Vice. I dont like that option. Or, I could 'Deal' with the parents on their ride home.*Rubs hands together* The second option is much more appealing to me. Well, itll be more actiony than the first option, anyways.
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Old 07-29-2006, 11:03 PM   #14
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Well, chapter 2 is here! The end is a bit gory, but its just one sentence. I had to get rid of Amys parents, so, here is is!

[censored!]
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Old 07-30-2006, 07:44 AM   #15
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Wow! That was amazing! It was a bit gory, but it was incredible!
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Old 07-30-2006, 08:17 AM   #16
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And because it was a bit gory, we can't have it here on this site. I'm sorry! I would like to have all manner of creativity spewed about, but the site has to remain suitable for ALL ages.
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Old 07-31-2006, 11:37 AM   #17
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O_O'


Can he at least post a link to it?
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Old 07-31-2006, 11:46 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Da Lunatic
O_O'


Can he at least post a link to it?
O_O He did:
Here. 3 lines down from this topic.
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Old 08-01-2006, 03:54 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nebro-Gubular SpisBoy
I think I can remember Regeneratorizer posting a picture of himself a while back and he was a guy, but I can't remember clearly...
Was this the pic?

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Old 08-01-2006, 06:46 AM   #20
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Indeed it was. You confirm that the boy in the picture is yourself?
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