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Hamumu Journal
Food Groups08:52 PM -- Sat February 7, 2004

A lot of people think that fruit and chocolate taste good together. Let me now scientifically explain why those are dumb people.

There are 5 Sweet Groups. All types of sweets fall into one of these five groups, or combine more than one of them. The groups are Chocolate, Cream, Fruit, Spice, and Pastry. Examples of these groups are:

  • Chocolate
    • ...Chocolate!
    • Peanut Butter (also has a hint of the cream side, and also can be savory, which has nothing to do with sweet groups at all)
    • Gross root beer-flavored candy
    • That gross black licorice
    • Butterscotch, toffee, and similar
    • White, dark, semi-sweet, and all other chocolates
  • Cream
    • Whipped cream
    • Marshmallows
    • Butter
    • Ice cream
  • Fruit
    • All fruits
    • Any fake fruit flavored candy (Gummi Bears, Sour Raspberry, Runts, Spree, Starburst, etc)
    • Basic tangy sweetness, like Nerds, Pixie Stix, Fun Dip, etc.
  • Spice
    • Any hot candy (Red Hots, Atomic Fireballs, etc)
    • Mint flavor of any sort
  • Pastry
    • Cinnamon rolls
    • Sweetbreads
    • Donuts
    • Pie

Each sweet group encompasses an area of flavor - Chocolate is rich and dark, Cream is light and airy, Fruit is sharp and tangy, Spice is spicy, and Pastry is... bready? You know, kinda bland, but not in a bad way. Wow, flavors are hard to describe! Many foods combine these various groups, like a chocolate donut is both pastry and chocolate, an apple pie has both fruit and pastry, an Andes mint is both mint and chocolate, with a little cream to boot (the mint part of it is fairly creamy). A cream cheese raspberry danish has Fruit, Cream, and Pastry! Cream and Pastry are in fact the only two groups that can be with fruit, ever.

There, now you know what the Sweet Groups are. Be sure to try it at home - examine the sweets you eat and try to determine to which groups they belong. It's good for your education. Now, let's see how the Sweet Groups can work together! The following chart, known worldwide as the "House Of Sweets", due to its shape (actually called the "Gingerbread House" in Eastern European countries), indicates just how Sweet Groups may be combined to create something that tastes good, instead of grotesque and horrible:

House Of Sweets

Sweets should only be combined where arrows connect them, so for instance, Spice should never be used with Pastry. And while Chocolate works well with Spice, Pastry, and Cream, you can't use it to 'link' Spice to Pastry - do not create a Chocolate Mint Baklava. Mikey would not like it. And note how the Fruit group and the Chocolate group are GROSS together!!! Scientifically speaking.
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