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Belittling Horror Excessively: Bloody Mallory04:23 PM -- Fri October 7, 2011

This is a movie review... I will not outright spoil things, but if you want to really experience a movie fresh and clean, there is information below that will dirty you up! So beware of mild semi-spoilers.

Synopsis: Hilarity ensues. In French, but with occasional hilarious English.

Scariness Type: I'm scared I might never be able to enjoy a lesser movie after this.

Rating: 5/5 Pink Hearses.

Awarded: BEST MOVIE EVER.

Good Stuff: The beginning, middle, and end. This is like a Joss Whedon movie, directed by Sam Raimi, while both on acid. There are gunshoes, gas pumps full of blood, Indiana Jones traps, exploding lipstick, exploding nuns, dimensional portals, vampires, succubi, ghouls, human wishbones, anime running-at-each-other-with-lines-of-light-behind-you, and a monster that eats sonar beacons.

Bad Stuff: That it ended.

Classic Rules Of Film: If you control the mind of a bat in Act 1, when you get chewed into a coma by ghouls in Act 2, you will return to the mind of that bat.

My Take: I guess all you really need to know is that at the beginning (after a bit of backstory), it introduces the team: Mallory, Leader of Anti-Paranormal Commando; Vena Cava, Drag Queen Explosives Specialist; and Talking Tina, Mute/Telepath. This is very clearly inspired by Buffy, and I suspect they borrowed the actual prehistoric vampires from the last season of Buffy to be the "ghouls" here. I mean they are the same. Plus there were a lot of those costumes lying around. This is all of course totally campy and awesome. I never understood why people did Rocky Horror Picture Show as this big cultural event, but I really think Bloody Mallory should become one. Vena Cava has countless lines (most of these in English) that an audience would love to shout in unison.

Artistic Nonsense: You know how Luke Skywalker is torn between the Light Side and the Dark Side? And everyone's telling him he has to fight and come to the Light Side and not give in to the seductive power of the Dark Side. This is like that, except it turns out the actual best place is the Middle Side, because good and evil are both lame. I'm not sure that's the best attitude... but it's what the movie is promoting! To be fair, I think they're talking about "good" in the sense of "overbearing, rigid and authoritarian" not actually being nice to people.

Today's movie will be Let Me In, the American remake of Let The Right One In, which we saw last week! Haha! You didn't know that was coming.
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