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Belittling Horror Excessively: Birdemic: Shock And Terror04:24 AM -- Sat October 22, 2011

This is a movie review... I will not outright spoil things, but if you want to really experience a movie fresh and clean, there is information below that will dirty you up! So beware of mild semi-spoilers.

Synopsis: A guy drives really slowly, then walks really slowly, then talks really slowly as he somehow romances a model for no apparent reason (maybe his "one million dollar" deal was the key. He did give the client a 50% discount though, so I don't know if that's actually a 500 grand deal, or it was a two million dollar deal before the discount). Birds hovering nearby noisily ensue.

Scariness Type: You know how The Birds would've been scarier if the birds hadn't actually moved, except for when they occasionally divebombed into buildings and exploded in a ball of fire? It's that kind of scary. Also BEWARE OF GLOBAL WARMING.

Rating: 2/5 Hybrid Mustangs.

Good Stuff: There are quite a few individual moments that stand out as excellent, but they're a little hard to describe. Probably the best is the very first scene that contains dialogue (after about ten minutes of driving with nothing but music and credits). That's when you really know what you're in for. After that, I'd rate the first time you see the deadly birds in action (which is about forty-five minutes into the movie...) as the second best moment. It comes at just the point where you're reaching for the remote to turn off the movie because, funny as it is, it's just gotten too boring. Then everything kicks into gear, and it's bird city. Brilliantly done. The birds "attack" by hovering near things and screeching incessantly. Except when they dive into things and erupt in a ball of flame. Other highlights include the explanation of how birds killed by bird flu can't attack you, but they're attacking because of global warming; the terrifying and incredibly realistic CGI forest fire sequence; and of course all five minutes of "Hanging Out With My Family", the classic R&B hit performed live to which our heroes did The Robot.

Bad Stuff: It's awful. Absolutely horrendously horrible. If that's what you are in the mood for, get watching! But have something else to do, because there are long stretches that will bore you to tears. Even though you'll have a smirk on your face for the entire time you're bored. The most fundamental element of bad movies is lingering too long on something, and you'll know halfway through the opening credits that this movie consists almost entirely of that. You'll get to experience the wonders of unlocking a front door, walking out to a car, starting up the engine, backing it out of the driveway, and even driving (slowly) as far as you can before it's out of sight. But don't fret! Because then we'll cut to another street and watch it drive down there too!

Classic Rules of Film: Don't sit there on a scene for five more seconds after everyone stops talking!! This movie does not follow rules.

My Take: Okay, what I really want to say about this movie is that it's a JOKE. I looked around at various reviews for it and I haven't seen one yet that acknowledged this. They all seem to think that this just happens to be an unbelievably bad movie, done so poorly that I have seen at least two different people unironically state that it's worse than both Plan 9 From Outer Space and Manos: The Hands Of Fate. I declare that these people were fooled. Yes, it's terrible, and it's entirely possible that the makers really did lack talent. I'm fine with that. But they made it this bad on purpose. There are a lot of little clues, but the main character's incredibly slow driving and awkward-and-slow walking are among the biggest. That could only be intentional. So many other things were there that just would never be done on accident, like showing a scene of him driving to work in which he stops to get gas in the middle, gets it, and continues on. Like with Thankskilling before it, I honestly can't tell how talented the people making this were because they're (possibly) untalented people, acting like they are untalented.

It's one of the great Zen koans: When a bad actor intentionally acts poorly, can you tell?

I'd also like to point out that there's a Rifftrax available, and if you want to see this movie, I would strongly believe that adding the Rifftrax for a mere $3.99 will enhance your experience dramatically. I just checked out the sample for it on their website (I recommend you do too! It's not Hamumu-appropriate, however), and it seemed great.

Artistic Nonsense: There's a little bit of a theme you just might pick up after you sit through the multiple five-minute rants about it... apparently global warming is BAD. Now I just picked that up from the subtext, but I'm telling you, it's in there! You just have to pay close attention.

Our next film is Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, a Japanese movie that couldn't possibly be bad, based on the title alone.
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