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Belittling Horror Excessively: Silent Hill: Revelation07:12 PM -- Mon October 14, 2013

SPOILER WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Synopsis: This is the second Silent Hill movie. A girl moves to a new town, having moved very often to stay ahead of the law, who are pursuing her dad for murdering someone. What she doesn't know is that they're really trying to stay ahead of the evil cult from Silent Hill, who want her back in their town for some reason. They succeed, and she is in Silent Hill. Mass exposition ensues.

Scariness Type: There are jump scares to be found, and there is gore, but the main thing here is something I can really only call "horror". There are all kinds of monsters and scenes that are just wrong, like people with their entire face being a mouth, or lots of things with no eyes, and so on. They don't jump out at you, they don't really scare you, they just sort of horrify you - they are things that should not be.

Rating: 2/5 Contortionist Nurses.

Body Count: 7, although sometimes instead of dying, people became mannequins, or seemed to still be alive through awful torture that should've killed them and other oddities. If I counted everybody that should be dead (like the prisoners whose arms got chopped off at the elbow), the number would be much higher.

Fun Fact: Hair color is a reliable indicator of evilness. But watch out for completely white hair! It's the worst.

Best Moment: Probably the best thing was the attack of the Mannequin Spider. That thing was very creepy, in a good way.

Worst Moment: There isn't really a worst moment, more of a worst element to the whole thing: the plot is an absolute jumble. Nothing makes any sense at all, things just happen one after another until you get to the conclusion, which feels totally unearned and just as random as all that came before it. Because there is so much stuff in the plot, most of the movie is taken up by really bald exposition, people just rattling off information. And it's funny that despite the continuous stream of information, you still don't know what's going on (in a bad way).

A Suspension Bridge Too Far: This whole movie felt like a sort of amusement park ride. I never felt like the main character was in any danger at all (and, according to what I could understand of the plot, I think rightly so - she may have been perfectly safe!), and that really sapped any drama from the various chase scenes. I'm not actually sure what made it seem so harmless, but it did. She just never seemed to be threatened, and it didn't help that she didn't seem very concerned either. I'd be more concerned with a bee in the room than these people are about giant murderous monsters charging at them. Also, the high school she attends is All Hallows High. Come on, dude. We deserve better.

Horror Tropes: Don't worry honey, it was all a dream... but wait, more horrible things are happening!! Oh wait, that was also a dream. I want to mock that idea more, because it is cliche and stupid, but I have definitely had dreams about waking up from dreams and thinking I really was awake until I finally woke up for real.

My Take: I've never played a Silent Hill game, or really any horror game for that matter. I have Alan Wake in my Steam Pile, I should fire it up sometime. Anyway, I'm not attached to the game series in the slightest, although it's always interested me, and the movies are the same way. I think I liked the first Silent Hill movie pretty well. When I saw there was a new Silent Hill movie on Netflix, I just had to see it. One thing I really love (which the first movie was full of, and this movie only hits a little bit) is the transition from nice normal world to twisted evil version. It looks really cool, and it's a fun device, a faster version of the "Thank heavens the sun finally came up!" element in some horror movies (most notably for me, The Blair Witch Project). But this movie really felt like a video game, with the triforce being pieced together and keys and bosses and just the general sense of non-danger. With all the magic trinkets and rules and tons of exposition, this movie actually felt a lot more like a fantasy film than horror. It was Alice In Wonderland, only more disturbing, if you can get more disturbing than that. My biggest problem with this all is how it wraps up way way too easily. I don't even understand the fight on the carousel, which was so important as to be the subject of a prophetic nightmare at the movie's start, yet when it comes to reality, it ends in a minute flat with zero repercussions, with the entire battle consisting of one hug. It's like a Care Bears movie. The whole thing missed any feeling of an epic quest. She just waltzes into this town, grabs her dad, and leaves. Simple as that.

Missed Opportunity: They missed the opportunity to include some peril! Anywhere! How about getting injured, or narrowly escaping something? How about not instantly solving every problem with zero effort? How about not being literally handed the magical trinket you need to win the game? Then again, I really question whether she needed it at all, it was pretty useless for something they made such a big deal of. Also, I've missed the opportunity to play this game series, I really should.

The Lesson: Monsters with giant swords won't hurt you, don't worry about it!

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