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Belittling Horror Excessively: Last Will And Testament of Rosalind Leigh11:35 PM -- Fri October 18, 2013

SPOILER WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Synopsis: This old woman dies, and her antique collector son, who was estranged from her for most of his life, returns home to either move in or sell the house. What he discovers there is a really messed-up house full of crazy stuff, which it turns out is just about every antique he ever sold. She had bought them all, which is nice and all, but weird. Nothing ensues.

Scariness Type: There are a few jump scares, but this is all about dark, gothic mood and an oppressive dread hanging over it all.

Rating: 2/5 Gollums.

Body Count: One. The guy's mom!

Fun Fact: Other than voices over the phone or through a door, and one shot of two people seen through a window at a distance, and a brief videotape of a bunch of people, this movie contains only one person. Well, and a couple shots of the mom who is dead.

Best Moment: This movie contained the first scene this month to truly scare me (I'm pretty sure ghosts inside a house is all that works for me, at this point): things all around the house are rattling and thumping, and he runs and crouches in a corner, wishing it would all go away like a kid would. He calls his therapist/ex-girlfriend (the relationship is never quite made clear...) and she tells him to just close his eyes and meditate. Things stomp closer and closer as he sits with his eyes closed...

Worst Moment: The dumbest thing in this movie is...

A Suspension Bridge Too Far: the magical space computer! When the guy thinks he sees a monster outside the house, he calls up the alarm company that apparently runs security cameras at his house. He ends up talking to a computer, which somehow patches through security footage onto his laptop, and then talks to him about it as it shows him. This computer recognizes the image on the screen and says it's an animal, but it doesn't know what kind. Was this movie set 40 years in the future? What on earth is this random super space technology doing in this haunted house movie?!

Horror Tropes: A lot of things go bump in the night in this movie! But sadly, blood never drips from above. This is actually a very original movie, other than a lot of the usual ghost things with doors slamming and noises in other rooms.

My Take: As I just said, this movie is quite original. I've never seen anything quite like it. Unfortunately, it's also very boring for about the first two-thirds, and the remaining third has a very cheesy CGI monster in it. And finally, it's all wrapped up with the twist (spoiler!) being that everything that happened didn't actually happen - it was all something the ghost of the old woman was imagining. So it just leaves you feeling cheated. I don't know, I can't hate too much, it was kind of powerful and moving, with some symbolic business, but at the same time there's all the things I just said. So it's not a complete failure. I guess the thing is this: if you still find yourself interested after the first 10 minutes of the movie which literally feature no human beings (other than a voice-over), just empty rooms being slowly panned across, then I think you're all set to enjoy the movie. But I don't think you'll be too sad if you skip out on it either.

Missed Opportunity: Where was Doctor Who to save everybody from this house jam-packed with weeping angels?!

The Lesson: Call your mother, she worries.

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