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Belittling Horror Excessively: The Thaw08:28 PM -- Sun October 15, 2017

WARNING! This post contains extensive spoilers for this movie. Watch the movie before reading! Or don't. You have been warned.

The Thaw (2009)
Rated R
IMDB Says:
“A research expedition to the Arctic discovers that a melting polar ice cap has released a deadly prehistoric parasite.”
IMDB Rating: 5.2/10
Metacritic Rating: N/A
Rotten Tomatoes: N/A critics, 23% audience
Solee: 3.5/5
Mikey: 3/5
We watched this on Hulu.

Mikey: Okay, Solee made a movie pick! From the depths of Hulu’s random collection. Why did this one speak to you?

Solee: Hmmm. So we’ve seen quite a few higher quality movies lately, so I guess I was looking for something that was a little riskier. You know, the kind of movie where you read the synopsis and think, “Ooh! THAT could be terrible!” I was also intrigued by the presence of Val Kilmer, who I used to have a crush on back in his Willow days. Did you know much about this one before we started?

Mikey: Nope! I knew nothing at all. But I did surmise it would be about an icy place. I used context clues. Which reminds me: what is it about arctic (or antarctic) research stations and paranoia and body horror? I kinda wonder what’s really going on at these research stations…

Solee: Having grown up in a very snowy place, I can say from first hand experience that months and months of unending cold and snow does crazy things to people. I’m just glad they never found a prehistoric mammoth filled with parasites in Moose Lake.

Mikey: I wouldn’t be sure they didn’t, but maybe a moose instead. So this movie, as the title implies, is all about global warming, fo sho. What did you think - using the issue as a backdrop, or a preachy propaganda piece?

Solee: The writer/directors may have felt they were using it as a backdrop, but it felt pretty heavy handed to me, and I fully agree with their stance. Well, right up to the point where they decide to unleash a deadly plague on humanity. That’s where I draw the line.

Mikey: My line might differ from yours. But I thought the most horrifying thing in the movie was the fact that it was made eight years ago and opens with (fictional) clips that could just as easily be on Fox News today. We have not moved an inch from a world filled with people who completely reject science as a concept. That makes me want to get started on a plague or two.

Solee: I think the guy who ended up with bugs on his pee-pee had a valid point. There are the people who deny climate change is happening, and that’s bad, but there are also the people who recognize on a cognitive level that it is happening and we are causing it and STILL don’t make changes to their lifestyles. Humans are a pretty selfish bunch as a whole.

Mikey: And the third group who are fully aware and understand the science, but stay on the anti-science side to make money and protect their short-term interests. Or as I call them, traitors to humanity. So now that we are preachy enough to be in the mood for this movie, let’s discuss Solee’s Rules of Infection!

Solee: I’m struggling with this at the moment because I just had a lengthy conversation with a friend about how I am 100%, without exception non-violent. HOWEVER. If I ever find myself in a movie world being overrun by a highly infectious disease or critter … YOU ALWAYS TAKE THEM OUT AT THE FIRST SIGN. I’m not sure this would have helped these kids though. The three who were infected got that way very early on before anyone had a clue. The only thing they could have done differently is to not let the sick ones suffer so long. So … ugh. I might be rethinking Solee’s #1 Rule of Infection. What is happening to me?!?

Mikey: You may be infected with neurobugs. I have a lot of separate issues with the infection situation in this movie. On the one hand, they weren’t anywhere near cautious enough. The very idea that a video camera is worth opening up the door to the room completely filled with bugs is insanity. Bugs that you know for a fact are eventually FATAL if they so much as bite you once. Nobody would ever go near one. In fact, I daresay the entire group would run as far and as fast as they could away from that house as soon as they understood the threat. But there was so much of that not taking it seriously enough - grabbing one and throwing it down to stomp on it, opening the door to a room full of them to let the definitely-dead-in-a-sec guy inside, handling the arm that was full of them. Just, you know, pay attention to the threat level!

Solee: They were pretty naive. Which is what the head scientist was counting on, I think. These were young college students.

Mikey: Oh man, and just getting up close to people covered with sores from unknown bugs! I think the bug-o-phobe should’ve just had a heart attack and died night one.

Solee: He certainly went from levitate-through-a-blanket-to-escape to sitting on the floor in a building crawling with deadly bugs pretty quickly. I didn’t love any of these characters. I couldn’t really connect with any of them and the only one I felt much respect for was the pilot. And later maybe the son of the oil baron. He seemed like a dumb frat boy at first, but he redeemed himself. The rest of them, I didn’t really care about.

Mikey: Yeah, they were idiots. But I will say this movie had me on edge like nothing we’ve seen this month. I spent the whole movie completely tense, so even though I didn’t care about the people, I was definitely right there with them in the situation. It wasn’t really a pleasant experience.

Solee: The whole “bug” theme taps into some pretty deep primitive fears, I think. And if this movie is to be believed, for good reason!

Mikey: I have big issues with ticks, because they’re the only bug that actually goes inside your body (well, the only common one). I can’t handle that. So this was right in my displeasure zone.

Solee: It wasn’t quite as visceral, but I was pretty triggered by the father/head scientist’s decision to have three students fly up to join him after he knew what was going on. And even worse, he made a point of uninviting ONLY his own daughter. Which is weird broken logic, because he wanted these three kids to carry the infection back with them. To the world where his daughter lives. He talked a lot about sacrifice and purpose, but he was really just a very amoral person. That’s right in my displeasure zone!

Mikey: His plan was certainly quite evil. But it didn’t really make sense to me. He had a bug inside him he wanted to sneak back into the world, so what were the kids for? More infection? I don’t know. The whole thing seems crazy. He could just have a box of bugs and open it up in New York, job done. But to defend him on charges of daughter-infestation, he did say that he expected the world to defeat the bugs. He wasn’t trying to wipe everybody out, just make them start talking and care about the threat by making it immediate. Which gives me parallels to disaster relief vs. preparedness (the massive waste of money we are in right now, repairing Houston, Puerto Rico, etc., when we should’ve spent money over the years making them ready for these disasters instead). People don’t care about anything unless it’s an immediate threat. People are bad. Bugs should eat them.

Solee: Yeah, I don’t know what his plan was, but it didn’t make sense. I am always really irritated by characters (and real life people) who firmly establish how untrustworthy they are and then expect the person/people they’ve hurt to just trust them and do what they are told without any explanation when an emergency hits. Sorry, dude. That’s not how it works. You’ve gotta earn my trust. If you start demanding that I do things “Gosh, the world must be on the brink of destruction in the form of prehistoric silverfish” isn’t going to be my first thought.

Mikey: Oh yeah! That brings to mind the Whedonism of it all. This entire movie was filled with people not telling other people the piece of information they needed to know. For no reason! “Hey, don’t come up here”, no need to give any info even when she’s saying “Why not?” Frustrating as always, and a Joss Whedon specialty. But he writes much better, of course.

Solee: Well, now that we’ve complained about it at length … was there anything you particularly liked?

Mikey: Well, like I said, the tension was absolutely there (I’m just mad I was more aware of it than the characters…). The arm-chopping scene was very real and agonizing. I think they did a really good job with the threat - there were a lot of “other shoes” we knew were going to drop, so you were always waiting for the next one. Ling’s illness, her boyfriend’s personal issue, the polar bear, the people at the field camp, the helicopters on the way, the pilot’s arm infection. All of these things were waiting to strike. No wonder I was so tense. What’d you like?

Solee: I didn’t really like the characters, but I liked the acting, if that makes sense. The writing of them was off in a way that made them unrelatable, but they did a good job with what they were given. I also liked the cinematography of it. There were some really great external establishing shots showing the vastness of the area and the isolation they were dealing with. As gross as they were, I thought they did the wounds and infection well. So often the gross parts of scary movies are all bad makeup or bad CGI. This was just authentically gross in a way that made my skin crawl.

Mikey: That’s true. Which brings me back to my complaint because I see my note on it: Seriously people, if somebody had chickenpox you wouldn’t get as close to them as they are to these people who have an unknown infection from a mystery insect. Stop touching them! Oh I got so mad. But, speaking of the authentic grossness, what I related this movie to a lot in my mind was Cabin Fever. Similarities, right? Nobody turns into a zombie, it’s just the infection that’s the problem.

Solee: I hadn’t made the connection, but absolutely! Very similar in their excellent grossness. The grayish goo that came out of their mouths as they were dying?? Terrifically terrible.

Mikey: Yes, most upsetting when Jane is choking on it. Ugh. This was upsetting to me in a way that Cabin Fever really wasn’t!

Solee: My final note is the all this sacrifice and scheming was for naught because, as we learned in Jurassic Park, “nature finds a way”. While they were up there shooting each other and burning down buildings, the bird from the very first scene was migrating to the nearest human population epicenter to start the apocalypse. Something to keep in mind if I end up in a similar situation, I suppose.

Mikey: I enjoyed that minor twist to the ending, I liked recognizing him from the first scene. Also reminds me that I don’t for a second believe that Evelyn actually remained uninfected. That’s ridiculous. But anyhow, if there is nothing else to note, perhaps you should give this movie a rating!

Solee: Hmmm. I think I’m going to give it a 3.5. It just wasn’t quite good enough to hang out in the company of 4s I’ve given out so far. But I definitely didn’t hate it. What about you?

Mikey: You rate high! I didn’t expect that after the coals it was just raked over (hopefully killing any insects inside). I thought it was pretty mediocre. There was some plus to it. I really like how it kept such a tense situation going, and you’re right about good cinematography, but I don’t like the writing and characters, or even the plot really for that matter. So I’ll put it in the middle - it’s a 3 out of 5.

Solee: Interesting note: we both rated this the same as we did Cabin Fever.

Mikey: Aw snap! We’re amazing. But not as amazing as our next movie, Neverlake! Or more amazing, we’ll see.
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